What every parent should know about their child’s ‘disrespect’

This story has significance for readers across Kenya and beyond.

As children grow, parents may begin to notice changes in the way they communicate and respond to authority. Talking back, arguing about rules, interrupting or speaking over a parent can sometimes be seen as signs of disrespect. For many parents, these behaviours can also trigger a deeper fear because they are used to being the primary authority in their child’s life.

Child and Adolescent Counselling Psychologist Mercy Mwasi says parents need to understand what may be behind such behaviours.

“Feeling disrespected by your child is a real and painful experience, and it deserves to be taken seriously. A child can refuse to answer a parent, or respond in a dismissive way using words like, ‘whatever, fine or I don't care. You might also see some eye-rolling, scoffing, or sighing when given instructions.”

Additionally, parents may also notice relational withdrawal, where children prefer spending time with their peers or on screens rather than with family. They may become reluctant to participate in daily family activities or share their feelings.

However, Mercy reminds parents that seeing one of these behaviours occasionally does not necessarily mean a child has become disrespectful. It becomes a genuine concern when the behaviour is frequent, escalating, involves contempt or cruelty, or accompanied by a breakdown in the emotional connection between the parent and child.

“It is worth noting that psychologists distinguish between overt noncompliance, which is open refusal, arguing and covert noncompliance, which is quietly ignoring instructions, or subtle avoidance. Many parents only notice the loud, overt behaviours and miss that covert withdrawal of silence and avoidance is also a form of communication, often about needing more autonomy, not about a lack of respect,” explains Mercy.

According to Mercy, feeling disrespected by a child is rarely about one incident. It often develops from a combination of psychological, relational and situational factors. One of these is a mismatch between what a parent expects and what is appropriate for the child’s stage of development.

“Many parents carry an internal picture of what a respectful child looks like, often modelled on their own upbringing. When a child's behaviour like talking back, questioning rules, and ignoring instructions doesn't match that picture, the parent interprets it as disrespect rather than as normal development. Developmental psychologists note that as children move toward adolescence, some pushback against parental authority is part of a normal individuation process of forming a separate identity,” she says.

This does not mean that parents have to accept hurtful or inappropriate behaviour. Mercy says there are ways to change these patterns, although parents should not expect overnight results.

“Decades of research building on Diana Baumrind's work show that children raised with a balance of warmth and clear structure — not strict control, and not permissiveness — tend to show the best outcomes. including better self-regulation, creativity, and strong family ties, compared to those raised by authoritarian or permissive parents. This style is described as one where parents are supportive, respectful, encouraging, provide structure, hold high expectations, remain consistent, keep communication open, and set few but principled rules. In practice, this means explaining the "why" behind a rule instead of only enforcing it, and treating the child as someone capable of reasoning.”

She also advises parents to model the kind of respect they want their children to show. Children learn by observing the adults around them, including how parents communicate and handle difficult situations.

A parent who listens without interrupting, apologises when wrong and manages frustration calmly can teach respect more effectively than a lecture.

Mercy also encourages parents to support autonomy rather than simply demanding compliance.

“Longitudinal research on parenting profiles found that a supportive profile that is high on autonomy support contributed to adolescents' positive academic and psychological development, whereas a controlling profile, which thwarts autonomy, was linked to worsening psychological problems and lower academic achievement. Giving children age-appropriate choices like what to wear, how to organize their study time and some say in family decisions reduces the need to rebel in order to feel some control,” she notes.

What makes children disrespectful?

Mercy says that disrespectful behaviour is often a symptom rather than the root cause. She identifies inconsistent or unclear boundaries, overly strict or controlling parenting, emotional dysregulation, modelling, peer influence and social comparison, unmet emotional needs, life stressors, mental health or neurodevelopmental factors and normal developmental stages as some of the contributing circumstances.

“Toddlers assert independence, "no!" as they discover they are separate people while adolescents push against authority as part of identity formation. Research on adolescent autonomy notes that adolescents often interpret their own push for autonomy as defiance, especially when it involves activities that go against the rules and expectations of authority figures. Some of what looks like disrespect is the child's own attempt to individuate, not an intent to hurt the parent,” says Mercy.

She adds that the approach a parent takes should depend on the child’s age and circumstances.

“The solution for a toddler asserting independence is very different from the solution for a teenager who feels emotionally shut out.”

For parents trying to rebuild their relationship with a child, Mercy recommends several approaches, including prioritising connection before correction, practising active listening, giving children age-appropriate autonomy and making an effort to repair the relationship after conflict.

“No parent-child relationship is conflict-free. What matters more than avoiding conflict is repairing it. This means apologising when you overreact, revisiting a disagreement calmly once emotions have settled, and showing the child that relationships can survive rupture,” she notes.

She also recommends setting clear and consistent boundaries, explaining the reasons behind them, regulating emotions before responding to a child and seeking professional help when necessary.

“When conflict is entrenched, when there's been a significant rupture like divorce, blended family stress, a major argument, or when a child shows signs of anxiety, depression, or other struggles, a licensed family or child therapist can help both sides understand each other and rebuild trust in a structured way,” she says.

For parents, this may require a shift in what they ultimately want from their children. Rather than focusing only on obedience in the moment, Mercy encourages them to think about the kind of relationship they want to have with their children as they grow into adulthood.

“Ultimately, respect that is built on fear or control tends to break down the moment the fear or control is removed, for example, once a teenager leaves home. Respect that is built on a trusting, warm, and consistently boundary relationship tends to last well into adulthood. Shifting the long-term goal from compliance today to connection for life reshapes almost every decision a parent makes in the moment.” Mercy tells Parenting.

Reporting originally appeared via Nation Africa. Read the full source for additional context.